Chaotic stability

Well, I did it! I gave in my resignation! I have another month and then I am done with this job!

Why did I do it? I don’t think I’ve written about it yet, I guess I was too scared to, thought that if I wrote about it then I would have to accept the reality, which I clearly was not ready for (until it hit me right on the face!!) So what was happening was that I had no work to do in this office (Not that I blame them, my position was not planned, it was created on my request), there is just enough work here for the existing people (even they get jobless at times) and there was just nothing to be do for me. The first few months went by fine with a couple of projects that had to be done, once that was done, I had ZERO work. I would come in the morning, pretend to do some work or extend something that would just take a couple of minutes to a couple of hours. I thought I was doing fine, just a little bored. It slowly got to my head and I started getting really irritated, and to top it all, people here do not talk to each other. I started to get the feeling that I was of no importance to the office (unlike my previous job!!). I hadn’t realized how bad it got until one day, all of a sudden, I had too much and I just wanted to burst out crying (since that day, there were a lot of such moments).

I decided to seriously start looking for a change, there were quite a few opportunities, but they all ended horribly. There was one that was just perfect for me, JUST PERFECT, but that position got cancelled altogether. A couple of interviews here and there, all leading to a dead-end. I started believing too much in every opportunity, hoping that if I believed just enough, it would come true for me and with every dead end I was crushed, gutted! I could not hold my tears back anymore! I decided that it was too much, I cannot to this job anymore, even if I did not know what I was going to after this job, I knew that this is not what I wanted to do and continuing on with this was just out my career in harm’s way. Spoke to my mom, she said If I wasn’t happy, I could leave and that we’ll figure something out. Abhay said the same thing. So here I am, soon to be jobless with no plan what-so-ever!

All I know is that by June 17th I am going to be done with this job. Me and Niya plan to go on a mini trip for like a week after that. Once we are back, life is going to magically figure itself out.

What bothered me the most about the whole thing is that this is not me, I am never confused, I never have random bursts of emotions/tears. I am the strong one, the stable one, the one that knows what she wants and always gets what she wants – ALWAYS! I help others get through their difficult times, not the other way around.

I guess there comes a time like this in everyone’s life, and this is mine. I have had a good life so far, with very minor discomforts here and there (even if there were major ones, my brain just does not recognize them as a difficulty I guess, as compared to what others have going on in their lives), when I look back, I know I have been luckier then the others, more blessed, more loved, more taken care of as compared to the others. That’s not how life functions I guess, everyone must go through their ups and downs and this is mine. I am now in peace with myself, I am not entirely sure where my life is heading, but that’s ok, I am just making sure I keep my head held high and stay optimistic for a better tomorrow 🙂




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